I hate this so much. My mom wants me home and I want to go home just to be there, but I can’t live in my room. I can’t. I used to be the kinda person that loved the secludedness and privacy of room in the basement, but now, it makes me sick. it scares me. everybody thinks this is just some “oh kylee wants this so shes making us feel guilty and all this shit to get what she wants” no. this is nothing near that. I can’t even walk in there without crying. I cried in my pillow the last time I went to grab my swimming suit and that made it a lot worse. My pillows still smell the same as they did all those times I would cry into them so nobody could hear. the smell deppresses me, it brings back memories of the night before i went to school and told Danielle I needed to get help for the suicidal thoughts. I’m not depressed here at my dads, nor was i before I left moms. but I’ve changed since then, and it tears me apart knowing my mom isn’t even trying to see that. she wants me to go back to school. I want to go to school for the learning, not the people. she’s trying to prepare me for life apparently, but she’s not doing shit except tearing me down when she doesnt give me an option to at least try online schooling. she says its not “out of the picture” and it’s still possible, but she said that months ago, and here we are, 5 days from registration, and guess what? she doesnt give a fuck about the fact that going back could shake me up and bring me back to square one, she assumes i can do it. I’ve made progress and im trying to become a better person so her and bob and dad don’t always point out my flaws, so maybe for once I can make them proud, but here they all are, telling me i can do it and saying if I do online school I’m “taking the easy way out”. I realize I need those life skills, but you not even giving me the option to help myself and do something I KNOW im capable of, and for once I believe in myself, and it’s not an option. Its gotten to the point i feel worthless to my father, and not much to anyone else, so I do this to try and be worth something in their eyes. cause I have never felt this worthless in my life. like fuck you, you wont even let me try. I don’t even feel hurt anymore, even though i probably am, if i do feel it, it’s numb. I’m used to getting hurt by everyone but I never expected my parents to tear me down like this. I can’t do anything right anymore. I’m just going through the motions day by day. them scolding me for fucking up doesn’t even work anymore, because I’m THAT used to feeling like I failed. I wasn’t good enough. I wanted to do online schooling because I can get credits and at the same time work on being a better person and handling my anxiety, and to do this for me AND my parents, not just them. I know I could make them proud, but evidentally they think throwing social anxiety AND academic anxiety on me is gonna prepare me for the real world, when they know damn well I’m having trouble handling the amount i have now. it’s like they want me to fail. they’re so fucking proud of my brother, he’s the little angel child, and im the child from hell with the potty mouth, the bad grades and the attitude. they KNOW I was bitter for them giving my brother attention in my childhood, yet they STILL fucking do it. give my brother attention and praise when I’m falling through the cracks. I’m bascially invisible to them aside from when I fuck up, then charlie disappears, then I’m doing good and they’re too busy with charlie. and they fucking wonder why i hated him so much. I don’t hate him, I hate my parents for putting me on the back burner cause he’s not the same. well I’m not the fucking same as most people either, but i’m not getting VIP treatment. people arent walking on eggshells for me, not going out of their way to make sure I don’t get pissed. Lately, I feel like everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here to fuck shit up, so charlie could be perfect and not get bitched at by his sister who doesnt do anything but yell at him. they have no fucking clue why i do it. I’m trying to show him that not everything is gonna go his way, in fact, most things wont if he expects sitting there is gonna get him places. he’s not gonna get catered to his whole fucking life, and when that hits him, it’s gonna hit him hard and its gonna devestate him, how his parents made the world seem that way, so fucking perfect, when it’s not. they did the same shit to me and I almost hit rock bottom, and I can’t stand to see that happen to him. my dad isn’t home to show him that and he doens’t when he is home, just gives him money and food so he’s happy and dad doesnt have to deal with it. mom and everyone else just gives him love and attention or solitude when he needs it so he doesnt get pissed. and they’re so wrapped up keeping that perfect world mentality in his head, that they’re blind to how they tear me apart and break me down more and more everyday. yeah, and this world is “all about me” in my head according to you? bull fucking shit. this world has nothing to do with being about me, the world wouldn’t be too different without me. people would be hurt at first, yeah, but eventually they’d all forget about me anyways. that’s kinda how i feel right now, that I’m being forgotten, but i’m not even dead, and that is bad.
You’re upstairs, with bob, and “company”. Tonight, company consists of melissa (as always) as well as her boyfriend, rob. I cam upstairs to talk to you, cause I needed to vent and i don’t have anyone else. then when I tried to vent, you started belittling me and my problems, as always. I know other people have it worse, and yeah, you probably had it worse, but that doesn’t mean you have a right to make me feel like i shouldnt be complaining. and im not complaining, i was trying to vent. this always happens, and is why i don’t really vent to you anymore. you always act like you know everything, and you think you know exactly how i feel, but you don’t. you didn’t then, you don’t now, and you never will. and everytime you say “i know” it makes me feel like I’m a nail, and you’re hammering me into a board. every time you say it, it hurts deeper, and I go lower. and of course, when i need you most, you drop everything with me so you can tend to your “company”. you talk to melissa every day, through text and usually in person, most of the time you’re in your room with her for two hours listening to her bitch about her boyfriend problems. and yes, i do listen, because i want to help her. not just to help her, but to get her to back off you enough so i could at least TRY to talk to you or spend quality time. you told me only one of your kidneys works today, and i’m really scared. You’re the one reason why I’m here, and you don’t even see it. you’re losing me, and i’m losing myself. You spend all of your time helping melissa now, that you have drifted even farther from me when i tried to open up. you don’t know how hard that is for me period, let alone to open up to my own mom. yet i tried, and you threw it back in my face to rescue melissa. it’s always melissa. and if it’s not melissa, it’s bob or charlie or some other friend. i’ve always been on the back burner on everyone priorites, and you know that, cause i talk about how it’s that way with dad. but it’s with everyone, really. I’m never anyones first choice, and when I am, i always manage to fuck it up. usually cause i feel actually wanted for once, and then i get clingy, and they push me away until the relationship with the person is back to square one; strangers. every time you push me back further on your priorities list, i push you further away. and not only you. I push everyone a step further away, open up a little less than i already do, hide a little more in my shell. because i thought I could always count on you, and i guess part of me still does, or at least wants to. please don’t let me down mom, I don’t wanna go before you do.